I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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