I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
