Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize