i need an iv and a liver transplant
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
