We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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