if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize