I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i think my cat just said my name.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
