I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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