I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
