He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
