you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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