When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
