You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
