I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
