The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
