the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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