Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
