you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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