Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
