Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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