how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize