I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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