I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
