Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
