Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
