my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
where am i from again
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
