First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
