I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
