Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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