I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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