I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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