Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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