she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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