We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
