worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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