He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
