Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
