I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
