I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
