i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
