dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
did i walk over a car last night?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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