Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
