Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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