soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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