his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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