theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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