I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
