Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
