Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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