This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
