were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Say something about gay babies.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
