Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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