Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
