I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dignity is for republicans.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
