i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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