And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize