He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
