apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
