Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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